He asked me if I "almost moaned"
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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