Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
