Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
