if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
