I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize