Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
