my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
