I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
