my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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