I can tuck mytits in my pants
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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