I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
