May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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