I think I won the penis lottery.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
