So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
