the day after is always just damage control
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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