i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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