I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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