Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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