Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Randomize
