my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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