hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
