Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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