his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
