How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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