Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
