textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
