Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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