I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
