then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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