I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
This baby is an asshole
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
