I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
