I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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