He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
