also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
