OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
