Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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