I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
