dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Is it because I queefed?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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