I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
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