You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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