If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I think I won the penis lottery.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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