I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
