I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
