I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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