i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize