Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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