I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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