Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
