I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
