my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
