her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
