So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
