I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
