doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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