First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
