I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
They took my balls.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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