1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
