well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
