Is it normal to miss your booty call?
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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