Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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